Everybody relax, I’m here.
– Jack Burton
Where to begin…
So, it’s been a ride. 5 days so far I think. Cut open like a fine pomegranate I can never eat again. Also can’t have sushi or medium rare steaks, and when the dietitian told me that I threw her stupid nonsense packet full of commie lies onto the floor. My mom picked it up, mortified, and I told her lies belong on the floor. Or something like that. I don’t know. I was drugged.
Cook my meat. (You think it’ll taste nasty without ketchup?)
So many people I had to meet. So many stories. So, I have decided to break this up into a trilogy with a sequel. The movies will exist within my universe of Fahey revelations. The titles will model the Indiana Jones movies.
Here we go. The Dude returns…
Raiders of the Lost Ark
This story begins at the beginning, but it’s actually the middle, according to the movies timeline. And now I’m on awesome pain meds. And you can never go overboard on onions in food. Or garlic. Pam’s cooking.
So I was offered a second liver after the first one didn’t pass the test. Got into surgery pre-op, and was waiting to go into the operating room. Pam was nervous and we don’t have an advanced directive. So I made one real quick. She gets everything and makes all decisions. Cool. Done with one thing. Onto surgery.
Surgery lasted about 7 hours. Texts were sent to Pam on a hourly basis updating her on their progress. When they finally opened up my entire stomach, everyone in the room melted! (Needed a Raiders reference)
Quick three month later addition: I found out a bit later I had an oil change over the course of 8 hours. An oil change is a joke a nurse used to describe how many units of blood I had replaced or cycled through, or whatever. I went through 7 units in ~8 hours. 6 in an hour is a massive transfusion. 10 in 24 hours is also a massive transfusion. So, I had an oil change. I love that. Makes it sound much cooler than it is. Oh, and I came out of surgery in stable but critical condition. So, there's that.Pam told me I needed a quick CT scan afterwards to potentially find two “lost” needles. That’s rad. But no needles found in me. But it’s cool. There’s a reason there is a saying “needle in a haystack”. And small, petty thing to focus on when my liver was just swapped out. AND, my hernia was repaired. AND, my gallbladder was removed. All successfully. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!
– Indiana
Also had three drain pumps in my stomach to catch excess fluids. The most pain I experienced so far was when they took them out. Even while on oxy. Long tubes, being pulled out of your stomach and then stitched up.
It hurt like a fucking bitch. I made sounds I didn’t think I could make.
And ports all over my body. I now look like a living Halloween costume with my shirt off. Kind of fun. I know now how to scare the shit out of children.
Three ports put in to monitor me, one in my neck, two in my wrists. It’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad bruise for the neck one. But It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage. And now I have plenty of it.
My parents came out during the hospital stay, which was awesome. Always cool to see a retired cardiologist school a bunch of kids, but in a very nice doctor way. When they found out who he was, they started asking him questions!
So here I am, in the middle of the hospital stay, with a runaway liver of the covenant. I told them my old livers name was Mel Gibson, so they printed me pictures of him. Slightly graphic content ahead, and I’ll also share the scars in a bit. Good stuff, but into the sunset for now…
As you can see, Mel Gibson is fucked. Totally destroyed from alcoholism.
Life choices are important. Everyone knows the rules, and most people follow them. But on occasion, you get stupid, dumb rogues like me who think it’ll be fine. And I can manage this. (Hint: you can’t.)
My only advice right now, “Don’t fuck your shit up, yo.”
A quick Mel primer.
Temple of Doom
Ah the prequel/sequel.
I keep telling you, you listen to me more, you live longer!
– Short Round
As you can see, I’m rambling even as I try to organize my thoughts. But we’re all on this crazy Fahey induced experiment, so we’ll struggle through it together.
I’m trying to escape the hospital, but they keep pulling me back in. Actually, not entirely true. They are actively trying to kick me out. Which is funny. I must be annoying them. The constant jokes probably drive some of them up the walls. But I find my people.
Tons of insulin to bring my sugars down, but they seem to be okay now. Vitals are good. Tests all come back in the green.
And now they are worried about my kidneys, but that’s for a bit later on.
Writer update! Right now we are doing three things. Watching Mandolorian with a Grogu ballon my cousin Doug and family got me, lighting up My awesome “smells like new liver” candle from Lisa, (New liver smells like sandalwood) and typing this.
The nurses were awesome too. At least 3 out of 5. Floor three was one crazy debacle. So I got transferred on day one to another floor out of ICU. But it took four people and a very pregnant nurse to get, me transferred from the room.
it was like a cartoon. I can still hear the Benny Hill music. There were lifts, beds, and all kinds of crazy contraptions. I just got up and sat on the other bed. It was funny to watch them go crazy.
I then got another new nurse, who was the Willie of the group.
I burned by fingers and I cracked a nail!
– Willie
When I asked her about my meds, and what they were, she just said, “they’re your meds”. Like I know what the fuck I’m taking for anti rejection right now, all hopped up on oxy. After multiple asks, she looks them up and takes me through them. Jesus.
Oh, and let me tell you about oxy. Never touch the shit. I hate it already and am actively trying to not take it anymore, but I have to for now.
Then the new nurse tells me I have an emergency CT scan. I tell her I’ve had three today, and she just goes, you have a CT scan.
So I ask another nurse, and she looks it up. It’s for a valley fever check. Has to be done, and I was positive, but most likely a false positive. It’s seems like a nurse battle at this point and I’m not sure if I want to instigate further, or just leave it alone.
None of you seem to understand. I’m not locked in here with you, your locked in here with me!!
– Rorschach
I go for number one. I mention to my nurse the other nurse just looked it up, as she came back to make the call to imaging. I said it harmless enough, but it started the fire. I was wheeled out quickly as I heard the intense talking start. I thought it was funny only cause I hated floor three.
In the background I can faintly hear, Om namah shivay, Om namah shivay…. kali maa shakti de!!
The rest of the night was just weird with sponge baths and catheter cleaning. And catheters are bundled up, adorable toys of mystery! I seriously wish I had the dumb and dumber discussion with taking it out. Mine was fascinating, but would be boring to everyone else.
Valley fever is kind of interesting. Here and Bakersfield have the highest rates, and really bad for people with weakened immune systems, like me.
From the Mayo Clinic:
- Valley fever is a fungal infection caused by coccidioides (kok-sid-e-OY-deze) organisms. It can cause signs and symptoms such as a fever, cough and tiredness.
- Two coccidioides fungi species cause valley fever. These fungi are commonly found in soil in specific regions. The fungi’s spores can be stirred into the air by anything that disrupts the soil, such as farming, construction and wind.
- People can then breathe the fungi into their lungs. The fungi can cause valley fever, also known as acute coccidioidomycosis (kok-sid-e-oy-doh-my-KOH-sis). Mild cases of valley fever usually resolve on their own. In more-severe cases, doctors treat the infection with antifungal medications.
So, I get the scan, false positive. They had to do the lift twice for the CT and it’s super painful. They lower you torso first, so your legs go down slowly after. Probably works great for someone who hasn’t been sawed in half. And since Temple of Doom is the goriest of the bunch, here you go. Super graphic. Mostly because of my fat belly right now. One long incision, about 50 staples, and three drains, Two for the bilirubin, and one another for stuff.
Oh! And the lights in my room! It was the enterprise! Loved that third room. Floor 5 was the best.
Well, for now I just punch people and cook. It’s not over yet…
That’s why they call it the jungle, sweetheart.
– Indiana
The Last Crusade
Coming home from the hospital felt super rushed. Never saw the surgeon on the last day, just a bunch of people apologizing for not showing up for the weekend. (Ended up doing everything myself.)
They were essentially showing me the door due to my progress. And, understandably, risk of infection for me.
No ticket.
– Indiana
So I began to start asking people specific food questions. One lady had a friend from Guatemala who gave me recommendations for real Mexican food here. Not Chevys or Tex Mex type places.
My favorite nurse was Romanian, and had great recipes to share. (She got the bottle of hot sauce.) My parents love to travel and have lots of stories and questions for her. You could tell she was having fun.
Then there was the OT who was going to Sonoma soon, and we gave him the scoop on how to impress his wife with food. Once you get you wine from your favorite place, do the following. (Doesn’t have to be in any order, but the bread and cheese definitely come last.)
- Go to LaLas Jams in Petaluma. She makes everything from Mole to caramel and chocolate spreads to tomato and mango jams. The most amazing stuff. Oh and don’t get me started on the Hot Pepper Jelly
- Go to WildFlour Bread in Occidental. The best. If you go on Sunday or Monday you can snag the #2 fougasse. They break it up on days to cook that one or the #1, and I love the potatoes in the second.
- Finally stop by Bohemian Creamery. Try some cheeses from the rounds, and purchase some to take out to their park benches overlooking a beautiful valley. You now have wine from your favorite winery, delicious bread, jams and cheese.
Enjoy. 🙂
Okay, so back to me. Here are pics from my successful rescue of the cup of life. And the meds I am on for life. About 30 pills a day right now, which will go down. But a fine bedtime cocktail with Miralax.
But in the Latin alphabet, “Jehovah” begins with an “I”.
– Henry Jones
And I’m sitting here all like, J……………..
And finally, the sequel to the trilogy, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I do not count the new one in this equation. It was terrible, and not an Indy movie. This one is just passable. Still silly, but it’s an Indy movie.
We seem to have reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away.
– Dean Charles Stanforth
So the hospital stay is over, Mel is being studied for science, (seriously) and I’m in epic numbing pain a lot of the time. Should have just left all this alone, and then we wouldn’t be talking via blog. I opened The Gate, and demons don’t ring the doorbell.
Good times. And I can leave you with one more Society story before starting the next chapter.
So, after the successful merging with Jeff Fahey, everything was looking good. Only problem right now? The kidneys got beaten up pretty bad. They put me on this potassium supplement, and the pooping begins.
Let’s talk about pooping. Cause it’s pretty common, and can be a main symptom of happiness.
So, I am on so many softeners, supplements, and the lovely Miralax right now. It’s a constant question I am asked, so I have detailed answers.
Learn the lingo. Don’t go in 100% crass. Learn the medical terms, but mix stuff up a bit. It’s totally cool to say pee and poop instead of urinate and bowel movement, but throw in some stuff from the Bristol Stool Chart. There are generally 7 types, but I’ll let you look those up.
So we are hoping a forced bowel movement, or massive poop, will flush out the system, and along with a reduction of certain meds, we’ll see good kidney results on Friday. Also, another CT scan. Don’t we have a home version yet? Can’t wait for something like they had in Elysium or Star Trek. Something that cures cancer, and repairs organs.
I am having sushi in 10 years. Fuck their stupid diet book. They can shove that thing right up their courage hole.
You don’t have to get sore all the time just to prove how tough you are.
– Indiana
Anyway, onto the fun of recovery! Enough of this weird hybrid chapter within a chapter.
Back to basics. In chapter four, which is now out and available to read!