Oh my god, just pump it out.
With that new liver he’ll be peeing like a champ in no time!
– Joseph R. Cooper [speaking to Jenna Reed]
[That’s kidneys, Coop.]
Ugh. So much water. Drinking this much is crazy. And the peeing isn’t matching up. I am about here now:
I really want to just go to the hospital again and have them stick a needle in my side, and drain the water out of me. I am about there. Simple procedure. Takes about 20 minutes. This build on water retention is like the worst ever. Shirts are starting to not fit.
So I just need everything to start moving. I liken all of this right now to traffic on the SR 57/60 interchange in LA. It’s packed and never moves. One of the top 10 busiest freeways in the US. according to the Daily Passport. Close to San Dimas.
Thankfully, they are working on an improvement project right now. I need that for my body. Let’s get to the improvement project. Let’s fix all of this and get our step on. I got Tatum in my corner bitches.
For tonight, I’ll keep drinking more water, celebrating the Trump conviction, and maybe sneaking a glass of lemonade.
– Eddie Murphy
♬♪ Lemonade, ♬♪ That Cool Refreshing Drink.
Inside Mayo (Starring Denzel Washington)
You guys are pros. The best. I’m sure you can make it out. Of course, lest we forget, once you’re out the front door, you’re still in the middle of the fucking desert!
– Reuben
Figured it was about time to take you all on a tour of the layout here. (And where I’ve been spending a majority of my battered, but quickly healing self.) Kind of fun, considering these are the largest and only buildings for a mile or so. (Except for the American Express HQ. Where they keep all the computer chips according to Pam.)
So there are three buildings total. They all start with PHX- then 1-3. Number one is the hospital building and emergency room. (Which they call the ED. For emergency department. I had no idea. Always called it the ER.)
I won’t go into it, even though I really want to, but ER vs ED can partially be traced back to TV. The public kept ER going for obvious reasons. Anyway, an interesting read: ER vs. ED: A Comparison of Televised and Real-Life Emergency Medicine. Also I guess “talk to your doctor if you have problems with ED or erectile dysfunction”, also had a small play in how the public viewed this versus the medical community. ER was kind of a pre WW II thing where it was one big room with tons of hospital beds. Past that it was a department, but the public never changed. We rarely do for anything.
There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. Fuck Hope.”
– George Carlin
[I’m never going to get through this with detours like that. Clooney’s subtle smirk is also not helping. Okay, let’s power through. But one quick quote highlighting quality writing. Seriously. I love this one.]
We have a man with a large carrot stuck in his colon coming in.
– Dr. Carter [speaking with Lucy Knight]
[How did he ever swallow it whole?]
So building one is the hospital and ED, and building two is where the basement is located. (With the weird girl. There are no windows down there, so she never sees light. It’s like mole people down there.) I did a CT scan and lab work there. It’s also the specialty building. Cardiology, ENT, Orthopedics, Gastroenterology, etc. I really have no use for this building except for the first floor services. But they do have a nice lab facility. It’s quiet.
This brings us to the most highly trafficked building, building three. Or as I call it, The Zoo. (It was originally called The Jungle, but The Zoo kind of rolls off the tongue.)
The labs on the first floor can become nuts, even though they have an excellent system for getting people through. And you get your first results in like 20 minutes. (And why wouldn’t you. It’s the fucking Mayo Clinic.) Then there’s the missing floor four, or the ghost floor. (It’s not on the elevator buttons) And finally the other most common floor, the sixth floor. This building is like a multi practice building as well, but I talk to the transplant team mostly. They specialize on mostly the liver, but possibly all transplants. It’s like a hive mind of 10 doctors or so, and they are super incredibly smart. All very nice too. I have my favorites, but who wouldn’t. The nurses are also dope here, just a well functioning system.
There is also a Scottsdale building separate from all this, and our first visit there is next week. It’s possible they are going to switch me out from a drug called Bactrim, to a once a month inhaled drug called pentamidine, lasting 28 days.
Do you want us to find a cure and save the world or just fall in love and fuck? Plans are pointless. Staying alive is as good as it gets.
– Selena
They can’t continue this in California, but there is another alternative and this gives us a month to figure out if that treatment works for me. Bactrim might be no good for my kidneys, but it is an anti infection drug, so we need to swap me out.
The parking lot, oddly enough, is also kind of cool. Pretty easy to find parking and Detective Pam has located her top secret zones. The ones that no one knows about, but they actually do. She’s a master of disguise and intrigue that Pam.
I also have a super exciting infusion treatment tomorrow for Lasix!!! The infusion will most likely drop 4.5 kgs (math) of water from me immediately. Finally going back on a diuretic again with regular daily doses! I am super, super excited about this. Can’t wait to start the peeing like a regular human being again. Gonna be all 1994 about this like:
Lasix Infusion Day!
So I just wait here, then?
– Lucky Day
So exciting. An albumin infusion and lasix shot to finish the day. Nothing like a good cocktail in a recliner. Always a bit dubious about things going into my body, but super fun time excited.
I’ve been dubbed a fall risk cause of the cane, but what they don’t know is that I’m always a fall risk.
Suckers.
QUICK NOTE: This post was done with one hand on an iPhone SE. That’s how fucking dope I am. Level five bitches.It’s a Great Jam Unboxing, Andrew Jacob
So my sister in law Bonnie is awesome, and I’ve actually know her much longer than Pam.
What’s going on here? What are you trying to do to my little sister?
– Charlie Brown
Quick file photo of Pam and Bonnie.
As you’ve probably guessed by now, I used to work at a video store. (I was this crazy runner who would go up mountains for like 16km (math) just for fun. My goal is to get back to that.)
My good friend Dave and I met at the video store. He was working there already and my first few shifts were with him. He always called me “new guy”. It was pretty funny as an outside observer.
But this story is about jam and Bonnie. I swear this is going somewhere.
So, Dave and I became quick friends via movies. And he was the lead vocal enthusiast in a band called Ashtray. (Along with his then girlfriend, now wife Sarah-Jane.) It was his and Bonnie’s creation, I think. But don’t hold me to that. I could get in trouble for anything here. Multiple file photos of Ashtray members. Pam can be spotted in one.
I met Bonnie via the band shows (she was the guitarist) and then became friends with her and everyone in the band. I was also really into filming stuff (Went to college for it and everything. Totally used that degree.), so I would shoot a lot of their shows. (Which I have tons of footage for and need to digitize.) So I meet Pam at shows throughout the years, but just knew her as Bonnie’s little sister. (Even though I thought she was super cute.) Then came the moment I wanted to ask Pam out. It was at a M.C. Chris show, and a friend of mine, Brody, was hitting on her. My internal voice went, “fuck that, and fuck you Brody.” And before I had a chance to jump in, Pam automatically switched the conversation to just me and had this look of, “ya, fuck you Brody.” And started talking to me.
I know you want me so bad it’s like acid in your mouth. But, not this time.
– Bohdi
Then I had to call Bonnie and ask for her permission to get Pam’s number and if it was okay to give her a call. She did, and I wrote it on a box while driving, then shipped that box. So I called again, got the number again, (after getting laughed at a bit) and the rest is the PamDrew historical documents. Here are some such historical documents.
Okay. So jam. Bonnie and I have been friends for a long time, and she knows of my affinity for fine jams. (Actually not really, but she knows I love LaLa’s Jams. I talk about them like I own the place.)
So for my birthday, she shipped me out a box of the hot pepper jelly and the smokey tomato jams. I opened them in the common area as we were bbq-ing with new friends and we had a taste test. They are, as usual, the best. If you recall from the turkey burger recipe, the tomato jam raises your life experience points for taste breakthrough.
Here are pictures of me opening the best gift ever, the products, our dinner that night (I used both with the steak), and gas prices out here.
Thank you Ms. Vandelay!
I also got a card from Bonnie. This is actually her cat she dressed up. Her name is Nala. It’s amazing. And I’m pretty sure Nala loves the costume, that she most likely does not consider a costume, but a way of life.
Also included, cause it seems to match, a file photo of Bonnie.
LASIX UPDATE: The lasix infusion barely worked with me. So back to the slow burn of a daily lasix pill, and shitty bloating all over my body. It'll come off eventually, just makes shit not dope. I'm gonna demand we go from 40mg to 80. Or even 120.
To sum up my feelings on bloating...Okay. I think we’re done here.
– Leslie Knope
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
And so was every holiday. I went to buy a Father’s Day card today, and it was quite the experience. Not only did they have kind of shitty cards, all of the stuff in the store felt like it was from 1999. Like they were trying to be cool, but missed it by a couple of decades. Intentionally.
The jams looked like they were regularly dusted, even though they were probably from about 10 years ago. I walked in and the lady behind the counter just stared me down. (Pam thinks she was just shocked people under the age of 60 were walking into a Hallmark. I don’t buy it.) I tried to be my normal friendly self, but she wasn’t having any of it. I asked her where the Father’s Day cards were, she walked me back there, and just pointed saying, “they’re right here.”
Hallmark. Home of gorgeous movie dialogue like:
Now that I see you two together, I don’t really see you two together.
– Nick Linden
Genius, passive aggressive nonsense.
What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. […] Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened.
– Principal
Okay, so she didn’t want to talk or be friendly. Cool. Everyone has a day. But then she started following Pam and I around the store. Like we were planning on stealing. Pretty obvious following too. Like she was trained by Jason Borne’s distant cousin on his father’s side who recently retired from security at Walmart.
We grabbed a few things and went to checkout. She returned and rang us up. Pam asked if she has postcard stamps. She said no. Then, the other lady behind the counter followed up with a place around the corner that was open and might have them. She looked at the other lady as if she just broke some Hallmark rule of helping people. Super helpful, but just an overall weird vibe from that hallmark store. Which makes sense. Hallmark is a known portal to hell. You need to get in and out. 5 minutes top or you start to have parts of your soul sucked out. By the devil on the left, or baby Loki devil.
Then we went to Shane Co. to have Pam’s rings cleaned. Thankfully they cleaned the engagement ring okay, but chipped an emerald for a ring I gave her a few years ago, with her and her parents birthstones. They are going to replace it, but what in the sweet hell is going on in this town?
I finally figured it out when we went to scope out where I’d be doing a new treatment tomorrow. It was way out in the desert. Barely nothing there. Except for when I heard some random cross chat in the car radio channel we had on…
Quiet! All of you! They’re approaching the Tyrannosaur paddock.
– Muldoon
This is all I saw as we passed from the rear of the campus. Then the front on the right.
I mean, what in the actual fuck is that for? It’s a god damn medical building up front! This is where I have to go tomorrow? No fucking thank you! It looks like a prison for prisoners who hang out with other, more dangerous prisoners. This is one gigantic portal to hell hallmark store. This is where they let the raptors wander during the weekday. The designers watched Jurassic Park just a bit too much here for inspiration.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
– George Carlin
What a fucking day. Dinosaurs, broken rings, and theft following, crazy people.
So this is a town dedicated to hiding their Jurassic Park intentions from the world. It’s like a weird cult (when is a cult normal?) we accidentally walked into, and pretty soon they are going to pull us in, wicker man style.
Ugh. At least it’s better (and way more interesting) than water retention.
Andrew, and the Annoying Arizona Inchers
Oh, a delicious late night rant.
So I’ve had the pleasure of being a passenger in my car for the past month or so. I’ve finally let go of the control of driving, let Pam take over, and now relish looking out the window. I’ve actually enjoyed seeing all the people, restaurants, sights (there’s a Medieval Times here!), and other people who think they can operate a motor vehicle. Pretty sure they all have this image in their head.
Apparently, some higher ups got together, and agreed that everyone in Arizona should be allowed to drive. I think they also agreed on no DMV, as it was most likely dubbed unlawful. So these people just get into cars and press one of two pedals. Some of them remember that there used to be three pedals, but they all had their steering wheels taken away from them and replaced with Tesla automation during the great Arizona Llama Uprising of 2015. No one remembers why.
As with any state there are a few good drivers. They attempt to teach the others with visual lessons. Like, ‘do as I do’ or ‘follow my lead.’ But it rarely works. The bad drivers behind them become irritated like caged animals waiting for that open lane to screech by them. Usually accompanied by a hand gesture of sorts. Roundabouts are usually the main culprit as no one knows how to use them. And now for more wonderful Carlin. (I actually saw him perform in 1994, but that’s a good story for another time.)
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
– George Carlin
So, I’ve decided to divide these drivers into three different categories.
- The Turn Inchers
- The Lane Blinders
- The Irritatingly Dumb Stupid People
The Turn Inchers
These people are amazing. They understand how pedals work. Skinny and long means go, fat and sideways means stop. And they use the fuck out of them. One after another, after another. They firmly believe that if they keep shortly touching these things in rotation, quickly, that they will somehow be able to merge faster into traffic. What they actually do is cause confusion as to whether they are going to move or not. It’s like watching a ballet performed by a cautious gecko. Eyes and feet going every which way.
These people remind me of freshman in college who can’t choose a major. For like two years. Then they finally settle on communications, but they suck at even that. (That was pretty much me, so it’s even funnier.)
Fuck these drivers. I’ve never seen so many of them. They’re like on every turn. Fucking with you in front of the Raising Cane’s chicken stop you desperately want to go to, but can’t cause you’re on a low sodium, low potassium diet. You can’t eat fucking shit.
The Lane Blinders
These people are even jerkier than the previous drivers. These fellow humans are the ones that hover in your blind spot at 88 km/h (math) then all of a sudden speed up and lane check you. They are almost always in the fast lane, you in the middle. They are like a really deceptive toaster oven that might catch on fire. (And always has foil on the bottom.) Will they, won’t they? Do I have to go up another couple of numbers on the dial for this all to work in my favor? (After review, I still don’t quite understand the toaster parallel. But until I think of something better, I’m sticking to it, and embracing it with a photo.)
Commonly a spirited bunch, they don’t operate in packs as much as the inchers. They are solitary creatures by nature, making their leap independent of thought, or any realization that they are in a vehicle that is traveling a high speeds. I consider them a threat to the well being of others, and to themselves. Its usually someone in their own bubble who doesn’t care, or really doesn’t know any better.
The Irritating Dumb Stupid People
I saved this one for last cause I wanted to include people at the cross walks out here. It’s like a cross walk that breaks in the middle of the street. These people are definitely streets behind. It breaks due to traffic and comes with a signal that stops it. It’s got a countdown for pedestrians so they know when the signal is coming. Thing is, they like to hang out in the center like it’s Cheers. I swear to god there is someone who looks like Norm always on the median bricks. Walk or don’t fucking walk, but make up your god damn mind! Don’t stand on the edge of the curb talking on your fucking cell phone waving me along cause you’re not ready. I’ll stop, wait until you do walk, then start to go. Sending you into a panic. Cause fuck you.
There is also just a general stupidity that’s in the collective driving air out here. It’s like they are completely normal, until they get behind the wheel, then it’s all like:
Now, it’s not like California is any better. I think it’s the road design and the heat out here that turns people into driving monster drool zombies. There is no other explanation.
California just has more Teslas driven by rich elite that love technology and sucking way too much ass. Also, the whole auto drive thing that these people are so into where they can take a nap or read a book? I’ve seen this movie before. It’s what would happen if “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” was a prequel to “Idiocracy”.
The temptation to let focus wander is real and powerful, and with everyone having pocket-sized distraction machines on them at all times, there’s plenty of temptation.
– Tesla Driver Watching Movie While Using Autopilot Crashes Into Cop Car
Tesla is a whole bag of worms rant for a different time. For now, I hate other drivers.
That’s why I drive like an alert grandma, who worries about her grandchildren, but in that ‘I’m old and can’t really do that much about it’ kind of way.
Heat and Cacti Shopping in Arizona
Back home I made some incredible friends with the lab people at Kaiser in Petaluma. I might have mentioned it previously, but I’ll hang out and chat with them on regular occasions. (I get so much blood drawn.) For some reason, blood draws made me think of this:
One time I brought them in pastries and it was like Christmas Day for them. They were running around, screaming different types of pastry names. I even get to skip the line and go straight back to the chairs without a ticket. Regularly. Extremely cool people.
So, since I’ll be their victim again soon when I return, I wanted to get them something from Arizona. We settled on getting them a cactus. Something grown in Arizona. And because a cactus has needles.
Get it? I know, bad joke.
But, we are scoping out places, trying to find a good one locally. Kind of a fun activity. (We also want one for our front yard. Pam is currently researching survival rates. The fake saguaro’s will probably do the best.) Please enjoy a few pictures of our first adventure to Lowe’s. Next one is a local place.
Oh! And after my first 28 day pentamidine inhalant treatment today, which was just a big inhaler for 12 minutes, we walked out of the Jurassic Park offices, and Pam saw something awesome. She could only describe it as the hallway love child of RED, Twin Peaks and MI 4: Ghost Protocol all rolled into one. It’s just got that vibe. Probably more Twin Peaks, I need a cup of coffee and a slice of cherry pie kind of a thing, but it’s all there. Maybe some Disneyland Haunted Mansion in there too? Who knows. But a weird elevator hallway all the same.
Ernest Borgnine needs to be at this desk.
The most important question is, why the fuck is that desk there? Who is it for?
See, more dinosaur weirdness of unused areas that give you an odd vibe. This medical campus is not what it seems, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it. I have several more appointments there, so more snooping should be expected.
Regulators..! Mount Up.
– Warren G and Nate Dogg
The Lasix Strikes Back: Albumin Road
Synopsis: Back for another infusion and shot. Although this time, the stakes have quadrupled. Albumin has taken the wheel and is hitting both pedals for a maximum double dose of super balls.
Before, Albumin was angry. Now it’s…
50 grams of pure fuck.
Lasix also shows up to the party, ready as ever to show everyone else how these things work; prison style. Lasix didn’t bring 12mg’s of that white collar bullshit, but now has more in tow to fuck up your bitch ass friend.
Don’t worry about dosage, cause lasix has that covered with…
50mg’s of your mom.
Rated R for gross Andrew incompetence, 5th grade humor, massive urination, and whoa, wait...If there’s massive urination, I think we might have a bigger problem here. I mean, I’m all for art films starring Kate Winslet and Harvey Keitel, but I don’t think this is one of those. Maybe we need to adjust that rating. Or maybe we should not preview this film. For anyone. Ever.
That’s probably the best idea, but here are some pics from the sequel. Not much new, just like every other sequel. Same basic premise. Just with more mg’s, grams, and cc’s. This time they pumped me way up. It seems to have worked! Hopefully it sticks this time.
But, we did visit another bakery today! This one is a franchise bakery, but it was something super cool. They had all these sweet and savory pastries, breads, cakes, macaroons, etc. This franchise isn’t in California yet, but I’m sure it will be. It’s called Paris Baguette. Very neat (and tasty) spot. Some pics of our adventure.
That’s four bakeries in Scottsdale since we’ve been here. I think there might be one more, but it’s been super fun! We look forward to rating them with long winded reasons that only I can muster.
David Lynch called this post, “fucking weird.” Then said, “get out of my house.”
So I have three topics here to break down. Actually, not so much break down as detail out. None of them relate to one another. Even though they do. Common thread is up to the reader here, but I’ll give you my opinion after you digest this all.
First topic: Jesus, People!
We were driving along to Kohls to buy an incline pillow for my feet. (Online Kohls said it was in stock.) Unfortunately, we need to keep them elevated to avoid the pain from the fluid buildup. It really hurts right now. But, we’re trying to figure it out. All a sign of kidney function, but the levels are trending in the right direction.
Creatinine is finally dropping. (Potassium is inline finally!) And BUN (blood urea nitrogen) is also falling. These two measures are tracked to measure kidney failure or health, along with their storied and fractured parabolic relation (words are fun) to eGFR (or Estimated Glomerular Filtration Rate), which shows how well the kidneys are filtering and also leveling out. My eGFR is currently 48 and rising everyday. It should, at the very least, be above 60 mL/min/BSA. Until then, healthy diet (while adhering to a low potassium, low sodium food restricting diet), exercise (as much as they don’t get angry at me for), and a firm pillow for leg and feet elevation! Good article from NLM. (Renal disease is basically kidney disease.)
The BUN and creatinine, taken together, are valuable screening tests in evaluating renal disease.
– BUN and Creatinine, National Library of Medicine
So, I ended up ordering it on Amazon. (Really tried the brick and mortar stuff first. Went to three stores.) But as we’re headed back, we pass a sign. The most amazing sign I’ve ever seen. I could try to describe it first, but a picture is better at this point. (I am there for scale.)
It’s my favorite new church sign. Their website is great too. JesusPeople.Online. And the husband and wife pastor team. His name is Rowdy, and her name is Ashli with an I.
Rowdy. And Ashli. With a I.
There are so many delightfully delicious things here, it would take a lifetime to break them down. I even peered inside their church area, and they have their own coffee cart that is called ‘The One.’ I’m not kidding. The coffee cart is named ‘The One.’
I can’t make that shit up.
I am finding myself at a loss for words here. Which is weird for me. I need this to settle in. It will definitely come up again. But come on, Jesus, people!
(There is also another church I spotted called Impact Church. They had a sign, but it was in helvetica, so we can disregard that one.)
Second topic: Praying Mantis!
So, we’ve talked about Bonnie a bit, but not about the mantodea class of insecta egg sacks Pam found in the backyard on two fence boards a few months ago.
We recently had our fence redone with our neighbors. Right before they did the demo of the old fence, Pam found the eggs. She asked the fence people to set those boards aside, and she has been watching them ever since, making sure they stay out of harms way.
Bonnie has been watching them while we’ve been out of town, and making sure they are okay for Pam. Bonnie also owns quite a few masks. Mind you, these are not the cheap Halloween string in the back type of masks. These are full on head gear, Lucha libre type masks.
So, the other day we notice movement notifications on the security stuff at the house. Bonnie is doing her awesome, ‘take care of the house’ stuff. So Pam logs in to check it out real quick. Make sure it’s Bonnie. And she see this.
Apparently, Bonnie owns a praying mantis full head mask. I have no idea why. Seriously. We need to figure out the why here. But she figured that if they hatch, they would be most comfortable seeing one of their own. Oddly enough, makes sense, but they might start referring to her as a god, which could get weird for everyone.
When someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES!
– Winston Zeddemore
This is the first image I saw from Pam.
Again. No real words forming. Just amazed at the pure bizarre nature of it all. This and Jesus People are like a random amusement park ride you didn’t know you were on, that ends with a one hour existential TED talk. All while you’re strapped in and potentially inverted on the ride.
I got a really special friend name Willy.
– Jesse
Third topic: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!
This one is quick, but a few years ago we bought a book off of Amazon called, “Handbook for the Recently Deceased.” However, inside were a bunch of blank pages. It was just a notebook with a beetlejuice cover. I neglected to read the description. Cause that’s me.
But! One is found on a Pam adventure the other day that is an actual handbook. Someone took the time to create one. It’s awesome:
So now we have all the spectral enlightenment we need. And ways to navigate the system should we find ourselves in worm country. Fittingly in Arizona.
I’m thinking the common thread here is swordfish. Cause, why not. It’s late and the Marx Bros. popped into my head. (And this is the best ever.)
Oh I’m insane. You should see me without my meds. […] I delivered an old lady a cup of hot water with my balls in it.
– Nuts [Zongo]
The Ascites Adventure: Paracentesis Revelations
More to come tomorrow. We’re doing the needle drain! Good times. Pretty quick and painless though. Not too terrible. I mean, it’s not Uwe Boll terrible.
They do ask you to sign something that says it’s not their fault if they kill you, but so does Ticketmaster. So whatever.
Paracentesis is a procedure performed in patients with ascites, during which a needle is inserted into the peritoneal cavity to obtain ascitic fluid.
– National Library of Medicine
All’s Fair in Pooping and Ascites
So two quick updates. One on pooping, cause it’s not fair to complain about it, and offer no graphic update, and two, Ascites and body changes! Cause what else is there to life other than the 9kg (math) python I’m carrying around in my jeans.
Oh, classic Andrew. It’s a workout everyday.
The Poop is Always Poopier on the Other Side
I’m so glad to report I am past the guards on this one. I am now baking loaves, fertilizing lawns, cutting some pipe, doing the do, dumping a stump, dropping a dookie, laying some cable, packing some underwear, shopping at Taco Bell, gripping the seat, making some underwater sculptures, getting things down on paper, dropping an upper decker in the master bedroom…
Back to normal! Which is awesome. Stopped taking Miralax and the stool softener Senekot, along with being almost done with the oxycodone, and we’re back in the boardroom! It’s super cool to feel normal again in that regard. Super ‘regular’ things we take for granted, that bring us way too much energy and joy. It’s like a great plan that comes together. And awkwardly written on a fortune cookie.
I need an A-Team now, cause it looks like I’ve got the B-Team squared away.
Ascites and Paracentesis: Two’s Company
An American author hires a British butler and discovers that they are polar opposites. Two’s Company, co-staring Elaine Stritch and Donald Sinden, was created in 1975 and ran for… Wait. No. Wrong blog.
Please hold…
Here we go…
Finally!! Just had this done. I am a little wobbly, but hanging in there. Body is kind of settling in to some new organ placement. Just dropped 6.2 liters (math) of weight. They filled up about two tanks worth. Each tank is like 3 liters I believe. Plus, more Albumin. This one was pretty interesting. Different from the first, but that makes sense. The first one was kind of an emergency. This one was more of an appointment.
Got to the hospital, and important things first. Had to drop off some macaroons to my people at the front working dispatch. Because, you do that first. Then on to me.
Checked in, and got to the back pretty quickly, and all hooked up. The complete order was for sonographically guided paracentesis. Basically finding the pocket of fluid via ultrasound, and drawing out the fluid. Some for testing, some for the pool they’re building out back.
This is the synopsis. How much, and where. Took about an hour or so. As usual, I was a complete chatter box. This time I was going off about the psychology of shopping. And how lighting, color, design and music play an important part in what companies want you to do, buy or feel. All the techs were trying to leave, but I held them all captive with my verbal wildfire.
Anyway, the synopsis.
Sterile technique, local anesthesia and ultrasound guidance were used to place a 5 French catheter into the largest collection of fluid in the right lower quadrant. Approximately 6200 mL of serous fluid were removed. No immediate complications.Oh, and if you’re wondering, the results of my gram stain are back.
Bacterial Culture: Placed in Bactec aerobic bottle. White blood cells, Few.
No organisms seen. Stain performed on concentrated specimen.I have no fucking idea either. But sounds like it’s basically used to identify organisms causing pneumonia.
But the whole thing was kind of awesome. Good synopsis too. Journaling gold.
That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!
– Bania
Anyway, here are some pics. Hopefully not too graphic. Enjoy!
FROM THE DESK OF PAM: Pam is juggling many things while out here. She is the transportation, the caregiver, and continues to work as time allows during the week.The humorous thing about all this is how she shuts down her computer and desk when we are about to leave. It’s like a fevered and furious beaver who has been forcibly moved to Vegas, and told concrete is in now.
It’s peak Office Space.
(Currently, I am Milton here. Cause I can’t stop talking. About anything. Ever.)
2024: An Aquarium OdySea and Shopping Adventure
(Book Five of the Sister Initiative: A Zaft Twin Escapade)
Well, glad I got the paracentesis, cause it was a busy couple of days that required some movement. Feel a bunch lighter, but carrying around a lot of extra skin. Which is weird. But it seems to be all working with yet another albumin infusion. Averaging about a 5K per day of walking. Which is good right now. Lots of walking. As much as my body can handle. Gotta get rid of the trusty cane.
The saw mark is also healing up nicely! Tons of blood in me that’s not mine, so I’m guessing it’s a super humans blood. Just due to the quickness of the healing. A few more staples to remove, which will hurt tomorrow given that they are embedded in a lovely scab along my stomach. Hoping my creatinine and BUN are playing nicely and dropping tomorrow.
So, tons of Zaft episodes, and we’ll start with the most entertaining. Which to me is an indoor collection of dim people wandering about.
Malls: Tilt, Spencer’s, KayBee Toys, Pet Stores, and Suncoast Video
We went to the stupid mall! And not just any stupid mall, a Beverly Hills type stupid mall. It’s called Fashion Square, and holy fuck nuggets. It’s full of some of the fanciest, first to die in any panic, would poison your mother for a Gucci bag, punchable, mother fuckers. You wish they were all eating, so we could do this:
We walked up and down the mall, which has three levels. I wanted to go to the Apple Store to buy a speaker, but also to walk the whole thing, like an 80 year old who likes to enjoy a nice bowl of soup, then tell everyone about it.
My favorite was floor two. It was all the fancy stores. A few of them had bouncers, with barriers at the door to let select people in. At a mall. Above a food court.
It’s was hilariously ridiculous.
One of the bouncers was about 2 meters tall (math), and had a face tattoo. He was all mean looking. Trying so hard. At a mall. Above a food court.
We all said hi as we passed, with obviously no intention to enter. He broke and smiled back. I think he knew how silly the whole thing was. At a mall. Above a food court.
Here is a fancy picture of a store I’ve never heard of. What in the hell is a DIOR?
So the mall was fun. I got my speaker. Always fun to pretend I know nothing at the Apple Store. Saying things like, “So, this is something I can use to connect to the World Wide Web?” or “Can I get one in green? I really like the color green” and “So this isn’t a Microsoft machine? My niece told me they are the best ones.”
They always take me seriously and give me awesome advice. I am cracking up and so is Pam, but it’s the dumb stuff that entertains me.
OdySea: Part II, Episode II, Season II
We went to the aquarium again! Much cooler the second time. Went at like 9 in the morning, and the children were just beginning. I only hit two of them with my cane. But they were both being evil little bastards. Talking words and shit.
Fun photo dump, and awesome time. I accidentally had my flash on and took a picture of the octopus. The one animal you aren’t supposed to do that to. Then I blamed Pam. And it’s on video. Good times. Caught red handed.
Oh! And the evil child behind Pam when I took a picture of the Zaft twins. It was like some Omen shit. Scary ass, mullet having, creepy fuck of a child staring me down.
…You’ll see me in hell, Mr. Thorn. There, we will share out our sentence.
– Father Brennan
More fun photos! At least to me. You might find them boring, but if you do, I would encourage you to suck it and move along. Oh, and the aquarium today is powered by sweet, sweet:
I know. I’m a freaking child. Here are the rest.
Blueberries will be the Death of Bonnie.
That and yogurt, olives, onions, large amounts of garlic, pineapple, jam, lettuce, tomatoes, cabbage, plums, pears, small amounts of rice, strange looking bread, etc. But there’s always room for jello.
I’m the World Record holder in chewing gum. I’m not afraid of anything!
– Violet Beauregarde
Bonnie and her first whole blueberry. I’ll let the video speak for itself. There is a yogurt one that’s pretty awesome too.
AJs Fine Foods and Tesla Trucks. One is rad, the other silly. Guess Which.
These cars are fucking huge. They look like they can’t go anywhere. It looks like a sad excuse for a North Korean tank. It resembles a large pillow wedge. Something I have shoved under my back recently for procedures. It’s definitely a cartoon drawing of Ren, and a luge for tequila shots.
And AJs is the best market I’ve ever been into. They nailed the lighting theory for grocery stores, that’s not really a theory, but something that companies use for their lighting sales. It’s slightly toned down, with a spotlight on specific things. It makes the habaneros look like God grew them herself.
Just amazing produce and meats. The chicken glistens. The steaks are amazing. The people who work there know everything. And their hot foods are delicious.
It’s like a delightful orchestra of miniature Jeff Fahey’s, Timothy Olyphant’s and Heather Graham’s all stackable and cute as fuck.
New Friends, Brand New Emeralds, Our Current Home, and Waffle Shoes!
It was awesome to meet new people. We meet often by the bbq and chat for the evening. So much fun.
Oh, this is our home away from home, and Pam’s new free emerald (a real one as a replacement for the fake one from California) which she is super happy about.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the carats in a diamond.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
And Waffle House shoes! I have a pair of those sandals for foot pain now, but none that say Waffle House. I find them kind of dope. Wishing I owned a pair.
Bonnie leaves tomorrow, but it was fun! Thanks for an awesome time Ms. Vandelay! Super rad in my broken state.
Reality that Bites
(Everything Sinks In)
I reject your reality and I substitute my own!
– Paul Bradford
Things are starting to realize themselves. I purposefully held on triggers, feelings, and realizations knowing it would be easier to go through this void of emotions.
I totally miss my dog and cat to death, but don’t let myself show it in front of Pam. I hate seeing the daily videos of my dog. They drive me crazy. I want her back like nothing else.
It’s really hard to fathom what happened. Honestly, I just want to go back to work and just pretend again. There’s that drive of what’s next, and trying so hard to man up and conquer my second chance at life. Tough it out. But part of me just wants to crawl into a ball with my dog and cat (not at the same time, that would be dangerous) and just hide.
When death becomes such a reality, you want to run. Dodging the inevitable, barricading yourself in with humor and normalcy. You do it for yourself, but also for those around you. I don’t want my family to worry, or place any undo stress on them. I create the Andrew persona. (The future of casual entertainment.) The one who tells everyone it’ll be okay, and not to fret. The one who creates a front of calm for everyone so effortlessly. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
But it’s all a fucking scam. I am lying through my teeth. Pushing the panic and worry and fear so far down inside, that it no longer exists.
You just see calm and happy. But I am super frightened about the now and what’s next, and how I’m going to handle all of this.
Fuck.
I am craving home. Actually no. I am craving familiarity. Things I am used to associating with. It just seems like we’re slowing down at Mayo, and this existence is becoming a form of purgatory. Whispers of who I love stop by to say hi, and then leave before I can tell them how much I love them. The fact that everything is the same distance, the same people aren’t able to leave, the same doctors exist in rotation makes me feel like this will be everyday. Forever.
I want to start something new for myself. But can’t until we get past this initial push. A push that seems unattainable.
[I want to run so fucking badly! But have to be content with walks. Boring ass walks.]
I want to be happy for real. I want to fully come to terms with what happened here and fully accept the reality of being rolled into the Star Trek room on May 16th. Passing out just before they cut me open and remove part of my body. Giving me blood transfusion after blood transfusion to keep me alive. Giving me another persons liver who just recently passed away. Stapling me up and running tubes into my stomach for drainage. Accepting the fact that I did this to myself and could have prevented all of it. But didn’t.
It’s going to take some time for this.
I think life is precious because you can’t watch it again. I mean you can believe in an after life if that makes you feel better but once you realize you’re not going to be around forever, I think that’s what makes life so magical.
– Ricky Gervais
The next step, the understanding of full realization that this is it, is hard to get to. You see it, but right now it’s just out of reach for me. I am still pretending and need to make the jump.
I want to make the jump.
Well, I’ve decided we need one more part to chapter four. The scrolling kills me, and of course I spend all my time figuring out security for this site. (Security headers, HSTS with SSL, hardening controls, site performance, certificates, and overall backups and shit.) Really fun learning some of this stuff, (as well as I can) but never figured out a new page layout.
So, it’s time for one more page then. This final chapter four is titled:
Chapter Four: 33⅓ | I Still Know What Fahey Did Last Summer in Arizona in 3D
Enjoy!