I believe the following should be a new weekend auto reply email for all business, video store, and Starbucks employees worldwide.

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Hello,

You are sending this email on the weekend. Technically you are not supposed to be working, but you decided to send this instead of spending quality time with your family. If your family is out and you are at your place by yourself, then you have serious problems with how you spend your free time.

Life is short, and unless this is your personal company, you are wasting it with weekend work. Here is a quick primer on things to do.

1) If it’s sunny out: go to the beach, lake, or any body of water. Rivers are awesome. Trees are calming. Chat with some friends on a patio. Enjoy a beer. Learn how to pilot a plane. I don’t know, just don’t fucking waste it.

2) It’s raining, snowing, or [insert weather here that’s not 72 and sunny]: Movies! Board games, writing, knitting, cooking, kicking around the house doing something relaxing. Enjoy what you have. Call your parents. Or if they’re dead, call your siblings. Or if you have none, call me. I’ll talk.

3) The power is out: Holy fuck, this is the best one! I’m not giving you shit here, cause you’ll steal my powers out ideas. However, if the power is out due to a dangerous number 2, please protect yourself, but do not send work emails.

Whatever you do on your weekend is your business. But please, don’t interrupt mine with your selfish, childish, worthless email.

Fuck you,

[insert your name]