We got the call!
Released this afternoon from Mayo.
Driving now! Slowly updating soon!
Back East (Partially) then Out West!
You ever meet someone who has been told their whole life that they can sing? Like really well? Not told you sing in the shower well, or sing in the car like modern day David Lee Roth, but like drunkenly told you consistently do a pitch perfect Celine Dion during Karaoke well, or be told by your mother that you should pursue a Juilliard education.
Those people part of the later two above, usually move out to LA or New York to pursue a career in the movies or on Broadway. They go out there when they are 18, eyes full of stars, get to score their first audition after serving tables as a local strip club for two years, and…
…they are adequate at best.
Their whole lives were a lie. They shrink back to Iowa to work on their family farm, only to tell stories of what once was a beautiful dream.
Or, you sneak by and become Will Ferrell or Ryan Reynolds starring in the movie Spirited! on AppleTV, being told by everyone you have the voice of an angel. The results are a craptacular movie, with singing best suited for a retiring Vegas duo in a dirty lounge tucked away in a dark corner, populated by drunken Keno addicts.
The parallel here is that watching their movies these days is a lot like being trapped somewhere in Arizona for 45 days. Sweaty and trying too hard to impress; with the main attractions being a lot of chain restaurants and advertising. Anyway, we need to escape this fucking noise.
Pam choose to get ready for the drive in a very Pam way:
Grogu gets the sweet release of death before we head out. He lived a good life. But he witnessed too much. We had to leave him in the desert. No other way.
And when we crossed Phoenix we got out and danced! Furthest we’d been away from Scottsdale for 45 days. So exciting. And, we committed a crime. Customs will never know…
Pam declared at the state crossing that I was stupid. The agent laughed. I did not. But we made it across. Bonnie’s Sunkist saw the dinosaurs! The Sunkist made it safe and sounds back to our refrigerator.
All in all the first leg of the drive was uneventful, other than the call from Mayo that said we can hit the road! We were already packed up and ready to go. Hit the road in under 2 minutes.
Stopped at my parents first after a long drive to Orange County. The OC is know as Satan’s vacation getaway. I think he owns a timeshare in Laguna Niguel. His neighbor is Bob. Most who claim to live in Laguna Niguel lost their souls a long time ago to HomeGoods, The West Wing and Diet Coke.
The drive hurt a bit from the open wounds we won’t go into detail about, and massive bloating down to the feet. Most seemed to resolve itself, but then back in the car for lovely part two. (This is going to be the shortest chapter.)
Oh Moses, Smell the Roses!
Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
– Everyones Mother in England
but Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses he knowses his toeses aren’t roses
as Moses supposes his toeses to be.
Probably the most esoteric reference of any Seinfeld quote, (I don’t think anyone knew what they were referencing) the title says it all. Basically, get a clue. And seriously, get a fucking clue. Smell the roses Moses! You’ll see they are not your fucking toeses! Then we can end the hell of this rhyme.
This is for all the I-5 drivers. We complain about it all the time. Then the drive is over and we thank god we made it alive. Then we forget, bbq, and stay up late watching movies.
Well, this time, I have an outlet. And for all of you person out there reading this, suit up.
Again, three sections. They are as follows:
- PhoneHeads
- DeathHeads
And…
- FuckHeads
PhoneHeads
Oh where to begin with these fucking rejects of modern day technological society. If you are still dumb enough to drive with your phone in your hand, you can fuck right off to the nearest job at Amazon working as a product manager who recently had their will to live removed by the new ridiculous Amazon AI prototype. Their apartment can be filled with Amazon Go purchases that tell them “Thank You!” when they choose something to eat or drink. And then “Enjoy your afternoon Bob!” Everyone is called Bob at Amazon due to time constraints. Its also cheaper.
Seriously. Why do you need it? Is it important? If so, pull to the side of the road to check it you dolt. I, among others, come from a generation of printing MapQuest directions, or prior to that having The Tomas Guide. Or even prior to that, writing it the fuck down by calling for directions. It wasn’t that hard. But then again, neither was remembering phone numbers. Maybe we were just better at things. Manual cars were real, and we still had to operate them. While looking at printed out maps and eating a snack. (But in all honesty, things haven’t changed that much. It has less to do with the ability to multi-task, and more to do with focus and peripheral vision. Which we suck at by nature, and phones make 5 billion times worse.)
And this was only 25 years ago. Forgot that shit pretty quickly. But I guess that’s how it goes. My parents said kids are getting dumber, and I’m sure their parents did too. It’s just such a dramatic slope this time around as we get closer and closer to Idiocracy.
DeathHeads
Winners. Pure and simple. These people are the Charlie Sheen’s of 2010.
These people are the ones who are traveling at 180kph (Math) and pretend it’s a video game. I don’t think they understand the concept of death or destruction. They have most definitely never been in an accident. And are intent on killing you and your travelers.
They enjoy close calls, messing with trucks on the road, long walks on the beach, and trying really hard to be the dumbest individuals known to man. Oh ya, and they are almost always male. (Please replace ‘almost always’ with ‘always’. I was just being kind.)
The race is in their head to get to where they want slightly ahead of you. Common decency is out the window. These people would trip your mom and laugh while shopping for things to kill puppies. They go home and tell their kids that they suck at life, as the kids are celebrating victories. They tell coworkers they don’t know how to use basic office items, and show them their correct way to use it. Like microwaves, or coffee makers.
They are the trash of society. These people are the sourdough starter for soylent green. (By the way, the year that movie took place in was 2022.) Don’t trust them within an inch of your life. And definitely don’t get in a car with them.
FuckHeads
Oh lord. You can’t help but feel sorry for this bunch. They try so hard. Maybe they are secret geniuses. Id love to think that. But most likely, they are just blank copies. Driving a car that should have been taken away from them when they showed up to the DMV. Wouldn’t that be awesome? If the DMV had a repossession policy where they just took cars from stupid people. It was just something that happened and was accepted by everyone.
I just keep googling stuff, and it keeps working!
But they still get cars right now. And all you can do is try to stay alive on the I-5. These are the wonder heads that decide that they need to be in a different lane. One that transfers to a different freeway. And instead of just taking the hit and turning around a bit later, they feel it is perfectly acceptable to hit the median with a hard right at 100kph (Math) right over the dirt embankment, almost taking your car out in the process, just to save a few minutes. Then you yell at them and follow them (well, I do) starring them down. They respond with blank looks, that read, “I don’t understand why you are so mad at me?”
Secret geniuses at work for sure.
FINAL THOUGHT: And this has nothing to do with anything, but is fucking hilarious. I am stealing this. Even Neil Gaiman took note:
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
– Dana Schwartz (Twitter user)
Ready for the Next Game. Can I borrow a Quarter?
So we got home safe and unpacked! Felt nice to chill after Pam saw a tornado. She had me take a picture for documentation. Then she had me enlarge it. (She calls herself the ‘Queen of her Empire’ on the road. Scary.)
So after being forced to take a picture, there you go. Pretty sure it was a controlled fire. But it got Pam stoked for Twisters starring Glen Powell. (He’s so hot right now.)
Anyway, I’m tired and glad to be home. We got the dog today, so that was cool. She was a bit stand offish at first, like, “you again? I got day care every day mother fucker!” but happy and snuggling now. More on her later. Loki is on Friday.
For now, getting things back to normal, meeting my new doctors, then pursuing a career in microbiology.
Oh, more on the drive home. We received videos shortly before leaving that I watched on the drive. For your viewing pleasure.
Seriously, where do they get these costumes? Is there a support group for them if this is a deadly habit? I worry about them jumping the Cage. But regardless, it’s god damn brilliant.
Now the fun begins for me. I need to clean up some stuff, get settled, then do the opposite and not get complacent. Time to shake things up and pull a Costanza.
The End of the Beginning
That’s all for the driving home chapter. Not much more to report. Fahey is home safe. Getting things back to normal now. On to the final recovery piece. Which could last one to six months. So get read for ten chapter six’s in:
Leave a Reply