Chapter Four | Recovery is a Jeff Fahey Best Served in Arizona

The Fan

This is how I feel when I have to deal with clinics or hospitals:

Ugh. Recovery can include trips back to the hospital. We have to report everything to the recovery clinic. Weight gain of 3lbs or more, shifts in anything including appetite, blood pressure, you name it.

I gained 2.8lbs from the day before. So, call to the clinic. We’ll see what they say, but I know I ate a lot in the past day, which is good, and haven’t evacuated the troops yet today. So expected. But water retention is a big thing right now. Am I opening the damn up as much as I need to based on my water intake.

Good Times. At least I have Pam.

You better start showing me a bit more appreciation around here, Mr. Man!
– Annie

Pam is the person I couldn’t do without. I am a huge fan of her’s (I celebrate Pam day everyday, but not in a creepy DeNiro type of way) and need to show her more appreciation. So I’m gonna try and cook something for her later in the week. Something quick though. And she has to help me buy it cause I can’t drive. So I have to have a menu in my head already. Thinking Friday night if the week goes good for me. Oh, breakfast for dinner and the Fall Guy on Apple TV. That sounds rad.

Never miss a pill when death is on the line!

And never get involved in a land war in Arizona.

I missed a pill. It was one of the steroids. Found it on the ground, and matched it up. Technically you are not supposed to take these pills even if you are certain. Better to miss a dose than double up on it. But I can’t bear off my tapering schedule, so bottoms up!

Oh shit. And speaking of pills, we just talked to our first “in the wild” straight up asshole. It was a Kaiser records person. I felt like I was being quizzed about my first day on disability. A lot of, sir that’s not what my release says, I don’t want to talk to your wife, tell me the exact date, etc. I have several other adjectives to describe this persons phone manners, but we’ll stick with asshole.

Hard part, and the thing you have to remember the most, is that these people deal with the shit of the shit people.

Shirley you can’t sue a stripper. [Why not?] Because she’s a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.
– Jeff Winger [Talking to Shirley]

They have probably one of the most difficult jobs in dealing with the general public. And this type of role changes throughout company levels. But she is at the bottom. Dealing with much worse people than us. So, a certain level of empathy is needed, and doing exactly as she asks is the best path forward. (She is probably a very nice person with a great quiche recipe. Passed down through generations, that includes churning her own butter.)

We decided to just request a new note from the doctor. It was quick, and the call back is tomorrow. (Update: call went fine today and was quickly resolved by Pam.)

As usual, Pam has this and I am useless, in awe of her powers, and ability to navigate anything. This pretty much sums up her tactic’s:

We have a saying, my people. Don’t kill if you can wound, don’t wound if you can subdue, don’t subdue if you can pacify, and don’t raise your hand at all until you’ve first extended it.
– Wonder Woman, Vol. 3, No. 25

Fucking deal with it.

I want to run again. Exercise again. Anything again!

The bed is over. I hate it. Don’t care about the incision or anything. I’m breaking out! Muppet style.

That brings me to this train of thought. New way of trying things out.

Today I had more blood work and an ultrasound. Ultrasounds are normally very simple things, but rolling on my sides or sitting up/down, is extremely hard for me at the moment. But the tech had confidence in me, so I just did it. Hurt for a hot minute, but just concentrated on the pain and focused it down to a very specific area of thought. I know there are more elegant ways to describe this, and I would be laughed out of most meditation classes, but it worked for me.

Choosing to focus my energy. And choosing to focus my recovery through specific patterns of thought and completion. The more people I have helping me in my recovery, does not necessarily make my recovery go faster. It just covers bases in a bureaucracy. Kind of parallels thoughts I’ve been having about work in general, not just my job. Do more people working in a hierarchy make it go faster?

The number of workers within public administration, bureaucracy or officialdom tends to grow, regardless of the amount of work to be done. This was attributed mainly to two factors: that officials want subordinates, not rivals, and that officials make work for each other.
– Parkinson’s Law

It’s interesting as I learn more about Parkinson’s Law:

“ $x=(2k^{m}+P)/n$ , in which k was the number of officials wanting subordinates, m was the hours they spent writing minutes to each other.”

Math. Check out more math that I don’t quite understand yet that applies to the formula.

x – number of new employees to be hired annually
k – number of employees who want to be promoted by hiring new employees
m – number of working hours per person for the preparation of internal memoranda (micropolitics)
P – difference: age at hiring − age at retirement
n – number of administrative files actually completed

If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do.
– Stock-Sanford corollary

Fun stuff. I interpret all of this as more people most always satisfy executive reasoning, that is focused on work load. The same executives then in turn create more work for one and other; writing about the work load issue. More people does not necessarily make things go faster. It can in certain cases, but definitely not all. That’s why you’ll commonly hear the phrase, “if we have more people, that will make it go faster!” It can actually come down to making smarter, more thoughtful decisions in advance, or having a more focused plan year by year. There is also the very fine line of training versus just doing something. A extremely hard path to navigate. You have to look at both the short and long terms benefits based on the work needed to be done. Both have positives and negatives. Once you’ve weighed all these things, then you can decide if and when more people are needed. (As is often needed with large growth movements.)

My favorite recent example of something regarding this is the front desk of where we are staying. One of them recently went on a long vacation. They were subsequently very short staffed. Rather than hire a temp for a front desk job, and waste the time on training for an inevitable employee return, they banded together to cover all of their shifts, working and operating like a team. When the employee returns, all coverage goes back to normal, no training time was wasted, and a tighter bound has now been formed. It’s now easier for the next one to take a vacation and rotate as a team. Perfect. They solved the problem together. Maybe the management team help solved the problem. I have no idea, only what I was told. But the people have to be willing, the most important component.

Plus they are the nicest folks out there. Just so ready to help in any circumstance.

Focusing on myself with just myself and Pam seems to be a good place to start. Everything else is auxiliary care at this point.

Tacrolimus Levels are Fun!

Tacrolimus is a narrow therapeutic index drug. Therapeutic monitoring of tacrolimus in transplant patients is a valuable tool in adjusting drug levels. Since tacrolimus use is typically in combination with other immunosuppressants, target levels usually decrease as post-transplant time increases to minimize calcineurin inhibitor-mediated nephrotoxicity and adverse effects.
– From the NIH

So, it’s a good way to monitor that Jeff Fahey doesn’t get rejected. This is the one med I will take for the rest of my life. I found this, also from the NIH, about what my levels should be. “Therapeutic levels range from 5 to 20 mcg/mL, though 5 to 15 mcg/mL is often employed to alleviate toxicity while preventing rejection.”

Mine should be 6-9 right now. Over the past three days it’s gone from a 4.6 to a 13.5. Skipped right over my target levels.

Adult Liver Transplant

Less than 1 month: 6 to 9 ng/mL
From 1 to 3 months: 4 to 8 ng/mL
Greater than 3 months: 4 to 6 ng/mL
More than 12 months: 3 to 5 ng/mL

So, like Cameron trying to call out sick, I’ll need to keep adjusting my meds or:

They’ll keep calling me, they’ll keep calling me until I adjust my meds. They’ll make me feel guilty. This is uh… This is ridiculous, ok I’ll adjust, I’ll adjust, I’ll adjust, I’ll adjust, I’ll adjust. What – I’LL ADJUST. Shit.
– Cameron (Updated for my needs)

Parts of recovery include therapeutic shopping!

Oh man, that was fun. Got to go to the Apple Store and buy a pencil I don’t need for the iPad, (so stupid, but I wanted one) and an Apple TV for my parents house I’m “borrowing” for a month or so.

After that went to the store to get water and food and stuff. It was fun as well, but nearly exhausted me towards the end. I try to get as much movement in as I can right now cause I know it’s one of the massive helpers to recovery. But I also have to remember what just happened to me. Fine balance.

My thoughts on shopping are echoed by Dr. Cooper:

Well, it reaches into your brain “chemically,” and then it locates your happiest memory “chemically,” then it locks onto that emotion and freezes it “chemically,” and then it keeps your happy, happy.
– Dr. Cooper

Pics of today! Shopping, shopping! Got some new slip on shoes from Sketchers too cause I can’t bend over right now. Pretty sweet. Pam’s gonna buy fireworks and smuggle them back to California.

We are full of great ideas. Though…. I am a bit tired.

I really want to work and be productive again

I’ve never been in this kind of situation. Where all I have to do is relax while recovering from something a touch serious. But all I want to really do is work and contribute. I see all the awesome work my colleagues are doing, and I want in!! They look like they are having fun and getting shit done! And so many cool changes. I’m super proud and super jealous at the same time. Can this fucking heal faster?

But in more general terms, I can never imagine not working. My favorite things are diplomacy and partnering with others. Coming up with great ideas together, and celebrating individual contributions.

I’m rambling, and this will be a short post, but I have my computer and will probably start secretly cheating in a week or so. Some small projects I can work on to help things get ahead while I’m out.

But I do have to remember that Pam did receive this text one week ago at 6:47 pm. So maybe taking it slower isn’t such a bad idea for a bit.

Hi Pam! The old liver is out and the new liver is going in. They will begin working on the vessel connection and we will update you again soon!
– Mayo Clinic

I know all this will sound somewhat stupid to everyone else, and sometimes when I’m working I wish I could just not for a few weeks, but I’ve never had something happen where I had to take so much time off from any job I’ve had. And I’ve worked on this project since the beginning so I feel incredibly responsible for cheering successes and accepting past failures that need to change. Everything makes for a better product.

If anything hurt my feelings or made me get defensive, I’d be a terrible product person who does stuff.

Ugh. Just heal faster!

I did absolutely nothing and it was everything I thought it could be.
– Peter

I really miss our Cora and Loki

Loki the cat we got in 2015 from the Napa shelter. She has a meepy eye that would require surgery to fix, or just let it be meepy forever. It doesn’t hurt her, so choice number two. She’s a menace and the name is fitting. She rules the house, and actually put Cora in the vet emergency room once.

Cora was a rescue too. One of five pups. She was abandoned with her litter in the brush of Lake County. Found emaciated on the side of the freeway. Her and her litter mates were nursed back to health by DogWood. A great rescue company. We got Cora the dog in 2019.

They are both re-homed in different places right now, and show no signs of missing us or wanting to come home. Both are treated as the respective princesses they are. (Yes, when I return, I do live with three princesses. Correction from Pam: Two princesses and a Queen.)

Here they are in their temporary homes. Both super happy right now. Still can’t wait to have them back and miss them both!

The people you meet

I love meeting people. Nice ones at that, but all people willing to engage. In my efforts to engage with others over the years, I’ve been a little to willing to push the conversation, to where I’ve been threatened with knives, guns, just a regular thrashing if I don’t talk about something else,

At any rate, this has not detoured me from talking to people. I can wear the jean jacket with the jeans and still pull off the conversation.

Some people never want to talk though:

You and me, we’re gonna have a fight. Today. After school. Three o’clock. In the parking lot. You try and run, I’m gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it’s only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I’m gonna be under your bed.
– Buddy Revell

Making friends with nurses, doctors, and workers at the front of the Mayo Clinic, has been pretty fun. Then we get into awesome conversations. I think I like to pay close attention to everything someone does and says which in turn helps me read people fairly quickly and figure out who they are and what they might like. Some are easy, some more guarded. Everyone loves food and has favorite places. I asked a social worker what her favorite Mexican place was, when she asked me if I had additional questions. She asked me to hold on, went and called her friend who just returned from Guatemala who lives here but was born there, and she gives her two recommendations. She writes them down and comes back to the room to tell us about them. That’s a cool start of engaging with someone, knowing I’ll see them again. I feel like were creating a cool friendly circle we can both have fun conversations in.

My favorite so far had been someone I still talk to. An employee who works at patient discharge to make them feel comfortable as they exit.

I had just arrived for my surgery and had to wait in the lobby with a pager to talk to a beurocratic filler to give me a wrist band and have me sign something. A completely useless position. Please see my previous post about Parkinson’s Law.

Anyway, I go to lie down on a lobby couch due to intense pain. I had a foot on the couch. She came by and told me not to do that and sit up on our furniture. Take you feet off. In a very nice way.

I got pissy and said, sorry, just in a bit of pain and headed up for a liver transplant. But of course. Whatever you say.

I was being a shit.

She apologized and offered to help, I declined. Just said thanks.

She walked away, and from that moment on, I felt terrible. So I went over to her booth and apologized for my behavior. We start talking. Her name is Karen and she’s from New York. Probably in her 60s. She says no need to apologize and offers me usage of anything they have in the discharge area. We talk about a bunch of things, and I promise to stop by after the transplant.

I stop by, and it’s like we’re old friends. Pam is now a third wheel. We chat for a moment and she is complementing my color. Guess it’s better. (I know my eyes are) Karen says I was given a second chance to do something cool, and I totally agree with her. I know I have a bunch to give back. A second chance to be super risky and do that.

So much fun to meet people like this, and it almost ended as immediately as it started.

Come on, girls, let’s go and sign those papers that say last night never happened.
– Cisco

People are fun and interesting. Sometimes easier to figure out and read than they might think. People’s tells are super obvious most of the time, and great to use to get a dialogue started. But it’s mostly just me paying more attention than you.

Sometimes, magic is just someone spending more time on something than anyone else might reasonably expect.
– Teller

Let’s talk about pain, baby

No, not that type of pain inducing, all I remember is motorcycle and tree, PG rated nonsense.

And I’d love for this to be a deep dive into the lyrical genius of Salt-N-Pepa based on the title, but actually in quite a bit of pain right now. Overdid it today. Tried too hard to do things. Went to all my appointments, met my new favorite doctor and nurse, and went to the store to buy wirchesterchestershire sauce. Or whatever. I just say it fast. (That’s how Pam actually says it.)

Before we get into all that, let’s talk about doctors. So I have now found two I absolutely love, and a nurse, who is the best in the world. At what point do I just get to pick them and say, okay! Found my medical team! The rest of you can all go home!

So, something like that. But I can’t. Have to meet with other docs individually. It’s like rotating doctors. They are all great, but when you hook on with someone, you just want them constantly in your corner. And I love these three people. They seem to care about my recovery, and I love finding that. It’s just something I want for myself. So very selfish.

Anyway, where was I. Oh ya:

So I made Pam dinner last night. My turkey burgers and salad and fruit. It was so delicious we talked about it for hours. It really was that good. And here is the recipe for those who would like to try it. We also watched The Fall Guy which was a lot of fun. I succeeded in my broken try at a date night. Getting better.

Andrew’s Turkey Burgers
Made from a bunch of different recipes that all kind of sucked, but collectively had that one spark of wisdom that I stole. Plus my own additions. But that’s the fun of it right? You slowly make something your own with food. Ah, the joy of cooking. And also, the joy of The Flavor Bible. If you don’t already have this, get it. It’s not recipes, but how flavors go together. I love just reading it to get a better understanding of everything. From how flavors work together, food pairings, cooking techniques, spices to use, etc. All this amazing food stuff.

I don’t work for them, but secretly wish I did after reading it sometimes.

So, once again:

Andrew’s Turkey Burgers

I’ll put it on the list.
– Steve Rogers

Ingredients:

~ 1 lb. ground turkey (preferable that it’s no longer living. Common misconception here: all turkeys are ground turkeys since they can’t fly.)
1/4 cup breadcrumbs (use more if it needs more consistency)
As you wish dried onion flakes (I used a bunch ~2 to 3 tablespoons, maybe more. I dunno. I like onions.)
1 tablespoon mustard (I used Gulden’s Brown Mustard, but go for the gold on this one and use what you like)
1 tablespoon ketchup (If you want, grab this Smokey Tomato Jam from LaLas. You can order it, but if you’re local, she is in Petaluma. It will change the flavor from good to a level six laser lotus.)
~1-2 teaspoons coconut aminos (Subbed for Worcestershire cause Trader Joe’s didn’t have any worchesterchestershired sauce. Still just as good, and lower in sodium I think.)
1-2 fresh crushed garlic cloves (We have an old school press that works the best, but I totally want to try this one out.)
1 teaspoon salt (Kosher or any salt really. I like sea salt and Himalayan pink salt, but have zero knowledge about salts and their different uses.)
Pepper to desired capacity. ~1 teaspoon or more

Preparation: Mix it up well. Form patties. Back in the fridge for at least 30 minutes until ready to cook. This helps the patties form. If in a pan, use olive oil spray. If on a bbq, bbq. (By the way, all of the measurements are suggestions. Totally up to you based on taste. I like to try to eyeball everything these days to see if I guessed right and am getting more accurate, or if I fucked up.)

Cook: Slow cook either way. We did bbq, but if pan fried, I would say start on a low/medium temperature, and flip when weepy. I was going for a normal 165° internal, don’t kill yourself or get super sick, poultry temp. (Cause that’s what you do. So no surprise there. It’s turkey. You just have to Pump the Bird.)

Buns: We love Oroweat onion buns. But of course, dealers choice.

Cheese: Spicy cheese! Yancy’s Fancy Buffalo Wing Hot Sauce Cheddar. This is the best cheese known to humans. Delicious spicy. Use whatever cheese you’d like, but this will change your mind about what pants you wear and why. Expensive cheese, but worth every slice.

Sides: Water fruits, land vegetables, sky salads, Dr. Praeger’s Sensible Foods Vegan and Gluten Free California Veggie Fries; the world is yours!

Final Destination: Toast buns if desired, then your favorite toppings. It’s delicious!

Okay, so I swear we started yet somewhere else. Pain.

So, I am in more pain right now. Will take a pain pill in a second. You have to watch everything very closely. Pam tracks it all which is good. You need them, but a tracking system is very good.

Pain is usually determined in the hospital on a scale. This scale can be used for the type of medication they give you.

0: Relaxed and comfortable
1 to 3: Mild discomfort
4 to 6: Moderate pain
7 to 10: Severe discomfort/pain

I was commonly in the 5-7 range, moderate to severe, as they figured out my meds. We started on 10mg of oxycodone, but I settled slowly into 5 for the stay at home. I am also on a 3-4 times a day cocktail of 400mg of Tylenol mixed with Robaxin, which is a very good muscle relaxant that calms nerves in your body.

The pain scales are interesting though. There are many others for determining pain in children, people who can’t talk, or those who can’t distill things down to numbers. (WILDA Pain Scale, McGill Pain Questionnaire, Mankoski Pain Scale, Defense and Veterans Pain Rating Scale, CRIES Pain Scale, FLACC Pain Scale, Wong-Baker Faces Pain Scale, and Numerical Rating Pain Scale. To name a few. There are like a thousand of these. Everyone has a pain scale. Before this I had one that ranged from owe to good lord to that’s really bad.)

So the one we used the Numerical Rating Pain Scale, determines my pain, but also which meds they’ll likely give me, and what it does.

So, we figure out my drugs and I can go home.

The level of drugs can be determined by the WHO Analgesic Ladder, according to the National Library of Medicine:

The original ladder mainly consisted of three steps:

First Step – Mild pain: non-opioid analgesics such as nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) or acetaminophen with or without adjuvants
Second Step – Moderate pain: weak opioids (hydrocodone, codeine, tramadol) with or without non-opioid analgesics and with or without adjuvants
Third Step – Severe and persistent pain: potent opioids (morphine, methadone, fentanyl, oxycodone, buprenorphine, tapentadol, hydromorphone, oxymorphone) with or without non-opioid analgesics, and with or without adjuvants

I think I am all over the place.

Whatever. Pain.

I am learning about all of this, and am probably wrong about everything (as I usually am) but it’s helping me understand dosing as they talk about it.

And I need another oxycodone I think. Pain is building. And I’m goofy so…

Hey, look! I’m an elephant rider! Huh? Ya like that?
– Simon

I am official now

Pam gave me this. I guess I officially have a card literally up my sleeve now. Kind of cool. I have a get out of jail free card, a “sir, that meals on us” card, a “please, I don’t need these diamonds” card, a “ yes, Mr. President” card.

I can do anything now. The world is mine to conquer.

So, now all I need is someone to give me a lift as I am not allowed to drive for a while. Then we take over the world pinky.

Okay, and while we’re on the subject of humorous, false, made up, ridiculous entitlement, let’s talk about these cups:

They are called Tumblers? Tumblers?? What in the living non-functional hell are you talking about? And who am I talking to?

I guess the name makes sense for Starbucks marketing’s:

Theories vary as to the etymology of the word tumbler. One such theory is that the glass originally had a pointed or convex base and could not be set down without spilling. Another is that they had weighted bottoms which caused them to right themselves if knocked over.
– My first (?) Wikipedia Reference

So they are designed in name for you to not set them down, and feel heavier that you would normally think. Okay, that’s kind of clever if you want people to keep using it over and over. Not sure they were trying to be that clever, or if I am that dumb, but It seems smart.

Anywho, I feel like I am interrogating someone who really has no important information. And I am not even sure who I’m referring to. And why did I make this post? And is anyone even reading this, or is this just me talking to myself? Please let me know in my head, sweet Elvis people.

Oh Jeff. You’re Goldbluming.
– Abed

Night time walks in Arizona

Nothing really to say, but night time walk here when it’s cool are really super cool. Even in between dog and baseball parks. And walking with a cane. But I did stairs tonight! Up and down! Felt accomplished.

I hope to no longer have the cane in a few days, but for now it keeps jerks out of my hula hoop. (And my fall risk down to a minimum, as I am klutzy as fuck.)

I didn’t choose the hoop life. The hoop life chose me.
– The guy upstairs in #2254

The cactus we are both posing with I named Big Joe. He’s cool, flipping everyone off, has one eye, most likely terrible B.O., and drooling just a touch.

I aspire to be like Big Joe one day.

Now, where was I?

I don’t really remember the last 12 hours, and there are no post-it’s to help guide me.

I’ve told you this before, haven’t I?
– Leonard Shelby

So, for the past 12 hours I’ve been in some sort of waking pain, nightmare. It started yesterday.

One of my brothers dodged over, which was awesome. Has really nothing to do with this other than it was super cool to see him. We went to brunch, then, oddly enough Target. (It’s all I could think of. But got some great stuff. It was super fun wandering the isles of the closest super store with him. I mean, I’d love me a good Fred Meyer’s or Best Buy wander, and I’m sure there are bigger superstores, but this worked.) He was only here a short time, but the surprise was totally worth every second. Just a blast to see him.

Anyways, we dropped him off at the airport and headed home. Short day so far, but I needed a rest. Laid down on the bed and took a quick nap.

That’s where it started.

My vitals were slightly elevated, my stomach was is incredible pain. On the pain scale I was an 8. It hurt so incredibly bad right when I woke up. What had happened is that I slept through my pain meds by almost a complete dose, and woke up in excruciating pain.

I was now chasing the pain. A terrible place to be in. It’s like my body was hazing my liver and my kidneys. (My kidneys just happen to be in the line of fire with the medication.) I am taking pain pills as they come up for me to do so, lying in bed, trying desperately to sleep it off. Nothing screams out ER (we think), but I’m kind of a bull headed moron who thinks he can just deal with it.

So the past half a day I don’t really clock as having existed at all. It did in a weird alternate reality. I would wake up, forget why, be in incredible pain, and go back to bed. Never knew if what I did was real or a dream. My body did not want to poop at all, even with two gigantic Miralax shakes that day.

At any rate, I pictured they were making a sequel to Osmosis Jones inside me. Jeff Fahey is new in town, and the old gang decide to pull a gag on him that goes terribly wrong. Things can only get back to normal with the help of Osmosis Jones and his new partner; wet behind the organ, B. Rubin, a new cadet who just wants to prove they have what it takes.

As they try to get along and figure out who is messing around with Fahey, they encounter many colorful new characters, like Mel Gibson as old man liver, and guest starting Pierce Brosnan as the ghost of the gallbladder. The search for a new villain in town, Dr. Tac, begins.

Hilarity ensures. Rated PG-13, for crass language, and mild drug use. For those of you completely lost, please see this movie summary.

Feeling much better this morning, and vitals all back to normal. Just exhausted now and looking forward to a shower and a good BM. Only good news today. If there is any bad news, I require it to be told to me as good news.

I love lazy days

Never get them during the week. Super relaxing. And totally Fahey recovery approved. I don’t have a care today, and that’s awesome.

Remember it, Write it down, take a picture, I don’t give a fuck.
– Smokey

Just watching movies and lying on the bed. With the air conditioning fully on. (It’s 100° outside today, and all this week.) We started with Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (Worst movie of 2024, just so stupid. I could break down how stupid in an entire chapter. Nothing less.), a few episodes of Community, then Godzilla Minus One (Best movie of 2023 in my opinion. Just fantastic story telling mixed with classic Godzilla. So good.), a few more episodes of Community, then Tremors now. (Cause we’re in fake Tremors country, and this is the best movie ever!)

Way to go dudes!
– Melvin Plug

Now prepping to bbq this evening, and make up some basic street tacos with onion and cilantro. Mmm. Will share later like a food jerk. Because it’s a lazy Monday.

Yeah, it’s the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast

Or maybe it was a dream I had.

Pam just did tarot on me. Is that what you call it? Doing tarot? I have no idea, but she’s been doing it since I’ve know her. Tonight, she did it and it had to do with me focusing on perfection. I had to look at the card and the eight pentacles. Problem is, the artist accidentally drew nine. So they fucked up.

Mine is on the right. Apparently I had to look at it upside down? I looked at it upside down, and saw that it was upside down.

And they choose to put a distant looking planet in the background. Which represents something larger. Pam told me not to focus on that. And that it’s not a planet, it’s the desert floor.

It’s not my fault if the artist sucks and doesn’t do things correctly. Pam told me I am showing my perfectionism right now. I said I could do this better and these cards suck. Pam says I’m forcing her into that tarot box. I have no idea what that means. I think that was on her card or something.

The cards were taken out of the room. I was no longer playing the tarot game.

It was fun, for a moment? I mean, if the artist was good, and paid attention, it might be a good game of the tarot card playing thing.

Oh well, pitter patter let’s get at ‘er.
– Cop #1

Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?

So, my original birthday now has a friend. My second birthday, which is May 16th, if I have that right. Today is my first birthday, and I am excited to do nothing but recovery things due to the events of my second birthday. Take a walk. Cook some healthy stuff. Watch a bunch of movies. By the way, here is last nights bbq:

This whole recovery things has me thinking about a lot of things. What do I do next? Do I have stuff left to give to the world? Have they invented a robot garage cleaner?

Instead of living in the ‘I’ve done this’ world, I am deciding to now live in the ‘I haven’t done that’ world. Except I don’t want to be led, I want to try and teach with what I know. I want to learn new things specifically about upping my cooking game to the next level. And god forbid, I might explore a tie to this writing thing. Movies, food and writing. And stupidity. With computers. And my own version of nonsense. An Andrew movie cookbook, with Andrew approved life lessons and stories? More of a push to make the hot sauce? Teaching?

Well, we really don’t have a plan B. We didn’t expect for the first plan to work. Sometimes you can overplan these things.
– Dusty Bottoms

My new birthday was a re-education on the fact that this is a one shot deal. (And I still have some stuff the doctors need to work out.) If I try something stupid and it fails, fuck it. At least I tried it. There is meaning in Ray Kinsella’s ridiculous idea for a ballpark in a corn field. There is truth in Cobb’s usage of inceptions. (Seriously.) I can try something, and still be a success for a failure. And sometimes all you have to do is ask questions like:

What’s your spaghetti policy?
– Charlie

I’ve also always resisted executive shit. Even when offered it or forced into the position. First off, I’m god damn terrible at it. Second, it’s just not where I prefer to be. I always want to be working. Getting my hands dirty, as they say. Work is fun, politics is a bore and waste of time.

Working with a team is fun. But is it a team I create with friends? Creating something we are all passionate about working on given our own individual talents?

More birthday fun, brought to you by Pam!

So Pam surprised me today with a trip to an awesome bakery. It’s called Sweet Dee’s Bakeshop. Guess they are like the best bakery in all of the Phoenix area.

it was delicious. Perfect pastries. I got a brownie, lemon bar, and macaroons for tonight, and a couple of donuts for right then. The donuts were Earl Grey and German Chocolate. Still have some. So good. The rest just looks epic. Check it.

Oh! And they have breakfast! I noticed fried chicken and waffles. A delicious treat. Upon reading further, I noticed it was Nashville hot chicken and waffles. This will now definitely be happening.

Later she took me to this pizza place called Trevor’s. It’s the second time we’ve been there and super delicious. They passed the word along to all employees that I’d been there before. Everyone said ‘nice to see you again!’ Or ‘welcome back!’. They were super sweet, and an excellent staff. The owners even came out to say hi. Either I’m big time, or they were a bit slow. Either way, cool stuff. Pam got me two Trevor’s shirt which are super cool, and I can’t wait to wear in public once I’m out of the town they reference.

What’s this? You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see? Don’t be that guy.
– Droz

They are actually a liquor store first, and an awesome pizza restaurant second. But seriously some of the best pizza ever. Dave Portnoy who does pizza reviews, reviewed this place. It’s a fun watch, and pretty accurate.

My pizza was delicious. A spicy sausage: (Most eaten, gratuitous pizza photo)

A fun day surrounded by phone calls and text from my favorite people. Ended with FaceTime with the family. Very cool day.

Pam was awesome, and is now cooking me dinner on fancy hotel plates.

Oh, what interesting china. It looks like young men playing leap frog.
– Louise Keeley

A great day.

QUICK NOTE: we just had the brownie, lemon bar, and macaroons. Holy hell. That was beyond delicious. Unfortunately it segue’s into my next post a bit too well, but for now full and super happy with my dessert choices. I really want to go back there.

And now, a bit of birthday wisdom. Have a wonderful night y’all, and skip the next post ‘till morning.

I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either I’m god, or truth is relative. Either way: Booyah.
– Jeff Winger

A footnote about pooping

Pray tell, just tell me how I feel about this weird-looking sack of puppy poo.
– Dekker

I just ordered this book: Poop Happened!: A History of the World from the Bottom Up. It’s a book for kids, but right up my alley (potty joke) at the moment. Pictures and words. I’ll give it to my niece for a good laugh when I’m done. That and my discontinued fart gun.

DISCLAIMER: You should be good by now, but please note this post is about pooping. Good old fashion, since the beginning of time, evacuations. So if that makes you feel uncomfortable, please, keep reading.

I am exhausted from this. I enjoy several Miralax cocktails with lemonade and tonic water throughout the day. I was asked to pretend like I was having a colonoscopy every day with dosage. So I have double the amount three times a day of Miralax. It’s usually a blast. Super easy, and your set. With your stomach freshly sawed in half, it’s a different story. Nothing works anymore. The tunnel of love has a huge closed sign, and the boats have crashed into each other; causing mass panic with the workers and the C.H.U.D., of such a usually fun and smooth ride.

Somehow, nothing. No pooping, bowel movement, number two, elimination, taking the Brown’s to the Super Bowl, Riker maneuver, executive seating, building a castle, royal squat, floating a trout, laying brick, logging an entry, offloading, recycling, sinking the Bismarck, planting a tree, dropping the kids off at the pool, murdering a brown snake, visiting the thunder box, etc.

So I just sit here and suffer, running to the restroom if I think I’m ready, and sadly coming back as I admit defeat for that 10 minutes.

Right now, I hate my body and what it can’t accomplish. I am frustrated with this, and the fact that it’s weak and fat. I’m stoked to be here with a super badass scar; encouraged and frustrated at the same time.

I don’t know. Personal/public reflection time. Just pooped a bit, but it wasn’t a happy poop. It was rather angry and glared back at me as I flushed the toilet. I felt like a hex was put on me.

I want to go back onto Lactulose. It was this awesome potion stuff. Was prescribed for pooping. It worked so good. Now I take over the counter bullshit. I really want something that makes me fall in love again.

For now I am destined to nothing. I know I am still constipated, and Miralax is for the common man. I am ready to call a number and have a team of people come out to help. I have explained my situation over the phone, but it doesn’t get to the extraction team in time. The extraction team might arrive at the door and go, “but sir, you do know we collect this, not for scientific reasons, but for happy go fun reasons. We enjoy the play time, and the what nots.”

And I will look them back, dead in the eyes with a crimson stare and say, “I know.” I’ll then turn around and show them in.

Okay. Pam just informed me that got really weird. She used the phrase, “what’s wrong with you?” In a semi joking manner. I agree, but can no longer Apple-a-gize for my Andrew-isms.

So, in an attempt to placate both sides, I created this trailer real quick about my current life struggles. It’s a hopefully successful, large deep dive with Ed Harris.

Please enjoy.

EDITORS NOTE: This post is subject to change with more input. Or should I say, output. :) 
Pam says none of this is really that funny. I totally agree with her. 

And yet, I continue…

Past Realities

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what’s next for me and why. Why to me is the most important part so I don’t forget where I’ve come from in this crazy fucking journey. I am remembering art classes, field trips to see Shakespeare at the Old Globe Theater in San Diego, Hockney exhibits, reading the Odyssey, introducing myself to the perfect films of John Carpenter, spending hours on a rose using pointillism in art class only to turn around and give it to a cute girl, all kinds of things popping up from the past. Important things that I just brushed away as having have happened in some alternate reality.

[What are you, anyway?]

Oh, uh, good question. Now technically speaking, uhh, let’s say, put me down as a… ‘Whatever’?
– Gonzo [Responding to a question]

I also remember tons of art classes, the exact moment I lost interest in college (hint: it involved drugs, alcohol, and girls), and watching Harold Lloyd films with a live pianist. He was the best stuntman ever. Seriously awesome to watch his films. Check out Safety Last.

An artists mind is bleeding out of me and dying to explode. This is the why. I never want that part of me to slumber again. Creativity is my life blood. I remember I made this thing with puppets at the start of the pandemic that almost breathed new life into me. (Complete improv. In case you can’t tell.) But then I just got drunk.

I need to let it free or else I fear I might work for 20 more years, retire and die. No legacy, just that he worked and was funny on zoom. Which is god damn miserable to think about. It’s like gold watch shit.

Oh come on, thirty more years of this, you get a tiny pension and a cheap gold watch.
– Harry Temple

We are going to change that. As change is the only constant. I used to say that in the video stores all the time as I’d make changes to them. The other employees hated it. I thought it was funny, but never understood its true meaning. Things have to change for better or worse to make you and the world move forward. It’s the only constant, doesn’t matter if it’s good or evil. But it has to happen.

It’s up to you to decide how your life’s square peg fits into the world’s round hole. (Not a pooping or sexy reference, but should be.)

QUICK UPDATE: Regarding the previous post about pooping, the factory has delivered. The exchange of goods to the porcelain gods has happened. Not a full order, but enough to make me feel better. Not really lighter, still gaining weight or maintaining with these steroids, post surgery ascites, and dietary changes. But something! (Also, fuck ascites in the very center of its rectum.)

Speaking of dietary changes, my potassium is super high. So I had to take two 60 gram bottles of Kayexalate. Basically it removes potassium from your body. (They said I’d have diarrhea, I said that’s funny.) Mine being high is not good for the kidneys, which is the main area of focus right now. So I have to drink almost a gallon of water a day. It’s my new job.

At any rate, I can’t eat a bunch of food now for a bit that have high amounts of potassium. A short primer from Mayo on what I can’t eat for a bit:

VEGETABLES:

Avocados/Guacamole
Beans—green, yellow, snap, wax; refried beans
Broccoli
Carrots/Carrot juice
Celery
Legumes
- Beans: black, fava, kidney, lima, navy, pinto [also know as no fucking burritos]
Peppers: red and green
Potatoes (Unless I boil them.)
Spinach
Tomatoes/Tomato Paste/Tomato sauce/Salsa/Tomato Juice/V8

FRUITS:

Apricots
Bananas
Cantaloupe
Honeydew Melon
Kiwi
Mango
Oranges
Strawberries
Tangerines
Watermelon

DAIRY:

Milk (including dried or powdered milk products)
Yogurt
Cheese
Cream Cheese
Sour Cream

REDUCING POTASSIUM IN POTATOES

Potatoes are a high potassium food. The instructions below will reduce the amount of potassium in potatoes by at least 50%, which allows you to have a half cup portion per day.

Basically I have to boil then prepare them. And no Yukon Gold potatoes. Fun. And the fruits and veggies are short lists I posted. The full lists contain at least 25 items, each. It would have been easier for them to just say no vegetables, fruit or dairy. Or at least tell me what I can fucking eat.

So steak, chicken and rice for me. That’s it. Along with grapes and cherries. There are other things of course, but I love Thai food and garlic chicken and rice. They can’t take that away from me. So hello wonderful.

That and hot sauce. Among a few other things…

Vergoofin der flicke støøbin mit der børk-børk yubetcha! Undruo is tutelly illuoed tu iet vhet I tell heem und vhee-a I tell heem. HEEs deet is determeened by me-a, su zee-a Meyu Cleenic cuon teke-a a beck seet und hefe-a fuon vetcheeng me-a drife-a fur a beet.
– Swedish Chef

Okay, so back to change is the only constant.

How do I pass the kobayashi maru?

The big question of what. One that I need to figure out. The why is the most important, and also the easiest. A few posts back I mentioned the lady up front at Mayo who is all kinds of awesome. Don’t know if I also mentioned that looked me dead in the eye and said, “You now get a second chance at life. How are you going to leave an impact? What are you going to do?”

That one chat had a huge impact on me just a few days ago. What am I going to do, already knowing the why? (At least I think I know the why.)

Never be afraid to fail. Failure is only a stepping stone to improvement. Never be overconfident because that will block your improvement.
– Tony Jaa

I have a friend who knew the answer to both, it was just breaking up with the fucking bullshit grind and making the jump, even if it meant risking stepping on the letter j instead of the i for the Latin spelling of Jehovah.

The result of course, was stunning because she knew her shit and just needed to trust in her decision. Which she did. It was a smart one, as her decision is how great careers and businesses are started. I am excited to see her fucking kick ass, and use the choices she made as a model for myself.

That’s where I am. I have ideas of where to head next, but need to embrace the fear, trust in the why, and do something unique and shiny for the world. I love people, and nothing gives me greater joy than making them laugh through my stupidity. Which I think I have tons of.

This writing has helped a bunch here. Creative artistic output. I crave it. Remembering why I studied all this stuff, (film and drawing included) and tying everything together in a ridiculous manner might be a great gift for me to explore. A way to entertain through knowledge of art. I refuse to categorize things away in my head as old memories an experiences. Everything that’s happening now, is happening now.

Plus, Pam is an excellent cook. I think I can fit that in somewhere. And I’m good at baking and the whole technology stuffs.

…Reasonably good at the whole technology thing…

…Okay, fine. I know what a computer is. It’s a fine, rare mineral from Alaska, right?

Cooking for people who Pam and I think need it, or just because we love cooking for a bunch of people, is a highlight in life for us. We just love it.

I also mentioned teaching in a past post. Currently looking into credentials and classes involved at the SRJC. This is actually very intriguing to me. Not to pump myself up too much, but I think I might be an excellent teacher. I have a lot of knowledge about film and art and computers and random shit, plus I can be very engaging when talking. (I talk a lot until things become true.) I think it might be a very real career path I take next. Not sure how it shapes out, but I picture an Andrew ‘Dead Poets Society’ where I have the wit and energy of Robin Williams. And no sad stuff, I would just rock it the fuck out and give high fives. I think…

The following video has nothing to do with anything, but it brings me joy. A few video store friends and I shot it in 2005, and they are just expressing pure happiness between takes at 11:30 pm at night. (It was the best ringtone ever) We were shooting a stupid movie about a cardboard cutout of Indiana Jones that comes alive in the video store designed to hunt and kill, (finished videos do exist for the first two, the finale of the trilogy is still unfinished, but there are trailers here) and this was an outtake during a perfect moment.

Enjoy. And much more to come on this topic from my brain pan.

QUICK EDIT: So this clip was actually from a different movie we shot in the video store. We shot so many. Still check out the above trailers, but this was from a straight up video store parody, fueled by pure madness (zero alcohol) late at night. We were just insane kids. And it ended with a parody of Come Sail Away after they apprehended and beat the shit out of the FBI agent in the store. My god...

if I find it, it’ll upload and post it. Maybe. I think I would need everyone’s permission at this point…

We’re gonna need a bigger page!

Okay. So I am getting a bit tired of the scrolling to get to a new post. I’m fairly certain you are too. While I look into more ways to be a bit more clever with the page layout, I’m starting a part two so we can all do the happy dance.

No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
– Inigo Montoya

So, sit back and enjoy part two, temporarily (and now finally) titled:

Chapter Four: Part Deux | Fast and the Arizonans: Fahey Drift